Every other Sunday afternoon for the past seven years, I have joined a group of eight friends, whenever I am able, to share personal and professional concerns and to give and get support. During this time, we have shared the joys and sorrows of children, grandchildren, partners, friends, and others, devastating or debilitating illnesses and life cycle transitions, and for some, anticipated or post-retirement challenges.
I was thinking about my most recent meeting when I sat down to write this blog about Navigating Unprecedented Times. Being with the group provided me with an unanticipated and surprising help to put things into perspective. The agreed-upon topic: Gratitude. It’s a topic I frequently suggest to my clients to write and talk about. For some I even recommend beginning or continuing daily entries in the somewhat cliched Gratitude Journal. But, as one who too often does not practice what I preach, I have not made a regular practice of focusing on gratitude and counting my blessings.
As we went around the room that Sunday, focusing on areas of gratitude, many of us veered off into the current overwhelming problems facing us internationally, nationally, locally, and within our close circle. Our skilled and compassionate group leader gently and frequently steered us away from the negatives. How quick we are to focus on them.
As I listened to one after the other of my friends and colleagues talk in-depth, I found myself feeling a surge of gratitude for these women who were helping me bring a richer and deeper focus to the rich texture of my life. Thinking about the lessons learned, and the resilience gained from navigating the present and past perilous times of my life helped put them into a more nuanced perspective. I found myself feeling a newly-found gratitude for my own family of origin as Betty talked about what qualities she developed in response to growing up with her critical and demanding mother. I listened with appreciation to Ruth and others talk about how the group’s feedback, validation, and occasional challenges had helped them navigate their own difficult times.
Though I think frequently and deeply about my issues, thanks to my own therapy, supervision, and clinical consultation with colleagues and self-inquiry, I realize that something different and even more profound happened during and after that meeting. Something that feels more long-lasting and deeper to hold on to as I navigate these perilous times. I realized that, yes, it’s natural that we focus on the things that make us feel unsafe. That’s human nature, biological hardwiring and, as American psychologist Stephen Porges writes, the human response to threat, according to his Polyvagal Theory. But, we often overlook Porges’ other aspect of seeking safety; finding and turning to our social supports. I too often take for granted the ways I turn to “my people” in times of perceived emotional or physical threat. I know how much pleasure I derive, the love I give and receive from my family, friends, colleagues, clients and work. But how easy it is to overlook that when in the midst of an ongoing string of unprecedented moments.
The big sense of peace and contentment I felt during and after my Sunday’s group reminded me to remember to do a deep dive into gratitude every time I feel pulled down by these perilous times. I pass along the wisdom of my group to you. May you foster, build, and remember your relationships with your formal and informal groups as we navigate these perilous times.
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Freda B. Friedman, Ph.D, LCSW, has been connected with Cathedral Counseling Center for more than 20 years as a clinical consultant, working on developing and implementing the program in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and more recently, adding a variant, Radically Open-DBT (RO-DBT) for over-control. She is a clinician with more than 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples, and families across the life span and facilitating many different types of therapeutic groups. Her particular areas of interest and experience include severe personality disorders, trauma, grief, loss and life transition issues, and working with families dealing with mental illness. She has lectured widely and written articles, book chapters, and a book on these topics, including Surviving a Borderline Parent, which has been translated into several languages.